something gotta change....

[living2die212]

i completly quit...todays day 8...withdrawals are gone n everything i feel great...i started 2 feel better yesterday and today i feel great...im lookin forward to some sleep tonight...but yeah this whole s**t with heather made me focus so much on that to where i didint care about the pills or how i felt....and to be honest im just now relising that im no longer going 2 feel like s**t without the pills...see im the type of person that focuses on one thing at a time and blok everything els out....so yeah now that i got thru the withdrawal i will never pik it up again...my mom wants me 2 attend these meetings and im prolly going to...all tho i havnt had n e cravings...hell i havnt even thot bout it till now....i still havnt talked 2 heather at all...she gets her mom to txt me every now and then but yeah....and see...heather was my only inspiration 2 quit...i never thought about quiting untill she said something...and u know...i was so focused on heather to where the withdrawal just flew by...i stayed active the whole time running here and there to help heather and her family....it was like nothing...nights were pretty ruff but my mind was to preoccupied to care....I always knew she wud b the reason i got clean...and if it wanst for her i wudnt b on this forum...and i have some really really awsome news about her situation...my mom loves heather right...well her step mom called my mom talking the most horrible things about heather and ever since then my mom cudnt get her out of her mind....well my mom and step dad registered there selvs as foster parents and heather gets to move in with them in 2 weeks from 2day....i am so thankful she is getting out of that abusive house hold and into a house that i know will be really good for her...so everything is working out right now....i got the pills outa me...my girls out of that house and into my moms...wich is going 2 be awsome...ima b able 2see her all the time now...im going back to work in the morning for first time in months....everythings looking pretty good rite now

[jagannatha]

Living, I'm jumping up and down for you right now! What an amazing story you have. I am so proud of you for quitting and am so happy that things worked out with Heather so she can be out of that awful situation. Your mom and step-dad are saints! I know Heather is probably so relieved, and she is probably very proud of you for quitting too.

Meetings are still a good idea, not only for you, but for the people that you may be able to help. You are a strong-willed person with a big heart. Share what you got! And I know you will learn a lot too.

Congratulations!

jag

[living2die212]

oh and i forgot...i was uppose to post my music up here a while back...if u got soundclick.com/baybeblee (ignore the interview on that page its how i communicate with heather right now haha) all my songs are posted there...i dont sing or nuthin....i dunno it was stupid just a hoby years ago....but if listen to them listen to 'Never Leave me alone" that is the best song i ever did and its a tru story....and all the songs on there are produces, written, and recorded by me...how u listen to them is wen u fisrt go to that page...on the upper left hand side ull see a link that says music...thatll take u to a list off my songs...and to play em u just klik hi fi or lo fi next to the song....but yeah listen 2 never leave me alone....its the best 1

[living2die212]

thank u so much jag!...really thank u....u have been there for me since day 1 and there no possible way to thank u enuff...believe it or not but you had a big part on my recovery just from your words alone.  and u know wat...i havnt even told heather yet...ima wait untill this saturday when i finally get to talk to her and see her for a little bit....shes going 2 be so happy...im going to love that moment...thats why i want to wait untill im with her....hey u wan read sumthin i wrote one of my withdrawal nights? its pretty bad...i can do 100 times better considering i am a writer...i just wasnt trying.....yeah thats something ive never told you all....i love writing...ive been publised in 4 diffrent poem, short sotry books 2 wich are sold around the world....i love writing....n e way...sorry haha...here it is



I made things go my way,
and usually it always does.
Except for one horrible choice
i knew i shouldnt of touched

every single days the same
as the time goes by
kuz every single days in pain
as if that you could die

then you start to contenplate
things ud never do
but trust me you will do these things
as this beast rules you

as time begins to fade away
so will your soul
youll be left standing all alone
with no where to go

 your life will then  begin to fade
your just waiting to be killed
all you can do is sit and watch...
when your life is ruled by pills.


: )

n eway...thank u...god i dont rmeber wen ive felt this good and been in this good of a mood....im deffinatly loving life right now : )

[jagannatha]

Living,

I listened to a few tunes on your site. Wonderful! It was nice to see a picture of you too -- and that's Heather, I'm assuming?

I don't know about you, but my creativity level went way down when I was using opiates. I'm also a musician and was a prolific songwriter there for a while, putting out 2 CDs of my own, and 2 with another band I sing in. It's been a while since I've written a song!

I know you are getting a new lease on life in so many ways. I'm glad you've been able to renew the best things in your life. Keep writing about it! Keep making music -- the universal medicine!

jag

[living2die212]

awsome thanks for takin the time out to listen...i never took it real seriusly, it was just a hobby of mine ...and yeah arund the time igot hooked on opiates was about the time i stopped....and yes that is heather...(if ur refering to the picture of the 2 people kissing) yea thats me n heather...Im completly diffrent tho then i was back then...i used to be into the urban stuff...like rap...ect...now if i hear a rap song i get a head ache...haha ever since i piked up a guitar i turned on the urban stuff...and ihave awsome news today....I GET TO FINALLY TALK TO HEATHER TODAY!!!...she shud kall me sumtime around 4...and then tomarrow i get to see her...im hopin everything goes as planned

[jagannatha]

I'm very happy for you, Living. I'm so glad things are working out. I'm glad you are feeling better. No matter how challenging things may get in life, there is nothing we can't handle!

jag

[living2die212]

its pretty funny how short lived good things are...im so damn confused n e more....i think im going to give up with it and just...move away instead of waiting in this misery...kuz if im going thru this pain for nothing...ima be extremly pissed

[living2die212]

i relapsed...wich was so stupid of me....i know why i did...im so alone n e more since heathers been gone...i just miss her so much...i mean shes not completly gone...but its still hard...i go from seeing her and talkin 2 her everyday...to seeing her once a week and not being able 2 talk 2 her at all...i just no its not going to last this way....i dont know wat to do....im bak on the fukin pills again...im just losing it....i wrote a song last nite in the midst of withdrawal about her....u know that one song 'baybe girl why dont u come bak 2 me...why dont u love me...n e more?'' i remade a beat to that song and it goes to that...i feel like posting wat i wrote so here it is...its kalled Him and Her


He woke up each and every day so confused, so abused kuz he knew that life was so cruel, But he maintained his pain. Just to talk to her again kuz even tho he cudnt have her he still wanted to be friends. Not knowing what he truly felt inside, getting upset by pictures of her n the arms of another guy. and it hurts him so much a little bit of him dies. Everynight before he sleeps you can hear his faded crys he says...

baybe girl why dont you come back to me why dont u love me anymore? baybe girl u know i still care for you you kno i will love you forever more.

as life continued the more he knew he missed you and if he had a 2nd chance hed go bak and get you instead of being stupid and follow his damn dream. When really he had it all along just to blind to see...he pleads...everyday to the lord up above to give it all back or just a little of the love. He wipes his tears away as his music fades away. he puts his hands together and he sighs as he prays...he says

baybe girl why dont you come back to me why dont u love me anymore? baybe girl u know i still care for you you kno i will love you forever more.

Finally one day he cudnt take it no more. So he wrote himself a note and laid on to the floor. As his vision became blurry and he cudnt see str8 thats when he knew the pills were takin him 2 his fate. He started to smile, just as his eyes were rolled in his skull...he fell to the ground and laid there beside of the note. He grabbed it in his hands as a tear fell before he died. to her surpise the note cried for her inside...it said

baybe girl why dont you come back to me why dont u love me anymore? baybe girl u know i still care for you you kno i will love you forever more.


I liked it...it sounds better wen u listen to it...ill post it on that site with all my music....yeah wen im upset i tend to write about it but...what i write about is always worst then wat im going thru...it makes me feel better....i dunno...i just really messed up gettn bak on the pills....and heather...i guess thats out of my hands tho...all i can do is pray and hope that she will remain in love with me...and wait for me untill she gets out of that house....god i love her....i just hope she loves me....still...

[Nakoa]

Living,
Sorry to hear about your relapse.  Are you back up to your original dose and is it still the Loperamide?  I was worried about that with all of the stress you have going on with your girl.  Let me know if we are back to square one and we will start all over again.  You cannot undo what has already been done, so let's just focus on today.  I'm right here with you if you need to talk.

Nakoa

[jagannatha]

Hi Living,

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering and I know it's frustrating to relapse, but it happens, especially during tough times. It's possible that Life is trying to lead you to different ways of coping, rather than just taking the pills, which bring such disappointment. That's why the recovery has to be for you, and not for anyone else.

I'm so glad you are turning to music during this. Some of the best music gets written during difficult times. I've always felt that's one of the best functions of art. If you are lucky enough to be someone who can create music, you have the perfect vehicle for channeling your pain. There are countless songs about impossible love, lost love, the search for love, etc. It's a really powerful emotion. The yearning for love is actually a very high emotion. It can hurt terribly, but it can open our hearts and make us feel very deeply. Your song is so heartfelt. The ending is sad, but it's also poetic. Better to let it go to that end in song, so you don't have to actually let that happen in life! Keep the songs coming!

I'm not sure what happened with Heather. Is she still at her parents'? Wasn't she going to live with your parents? Everything is constantly changing, which is why we need to find and depend on our own strong core, so we don't reflexively reach for a pill to help us feel better. This whole ordeal is helping you to grow up and become strong.

Try not to get discouraged.

jag

[living2die212]

I got to talk to heather today and it made me relise a lot....im getting out of here...thats my problem...i hate everything around me...the people...the places....im gettin out of here....its funny...i thought the pills were the cause of all my troubles...but i was wrong...wen i did stop using for those 15 days...i felt great...physicallly...but it just seemed like everything was worst....it was worst...and it just keeps getting worst...I mean do u know how hard it is to fall in complete unconditonal love with someone...and not be able to do n e thing about it....except get used to it...THAT is my problem....I am the problem...not the pills...yeah the pills dont help but there not the cause...i dont know n e more...im so confused...i dont get to talk 2 her in 2 weeks...and then finally wen i do she really dont seem to care...about n e thing...why is it that it seems like im the only one that cares that we cant talk...that i havnt seen her n a week...why dont she care? and if she duss like she says she duss...why dont she act like it...i mean just a little bit...like i said im so confused...am i the one in the wrong here?...i mean i know...well...i used to kno...she loves me...and i think she still duss....no i kno she duss...i guess...i told her today how hard this is on me...and this if she dont think its goin to work to let me kno...the sooner the less itll hurt...but she said she will make it work...how?  wat can i do? if n e thing!? i mean i kno i can wait a year untill shes 18...(why did i fall n luv with a yungin n e way...well actually i didnt kno how old she was...long story) but i dont know if she can?...i mean she seemed so happy today...like nothing was wrong...everything was great...and i thank god shes happy thats all i want from her is her happiness...but...i dunno it just makes me feel like...maybe...shes met sumone els...i dont think thats the case...god i hope not...actually u know wat...it wud b best for her to go find sum1 she can b with and make her happy....and i tell her that time after time and she always says the same thing...she has who she wants and shes happy,,,but that cant b...how?...i cant talk to her...i cant help her with her everyday problems...i cant fukin b thre for her except twice a month...im just so confused...and these pills...god...just hell...but i really dont care n e more about them...i just wish i could go back in to time...id change everything...no..i wud just change one thing...and by me changin that one thing everything els wud change....i love heather more then n e thing...i just wish...she cared...or atleast...showed it...just a little bit...i dunno am i being selfish? am i expecting to much?...i mean it makes no fukin sense why those nut cases wont let her talk 2 me....heathers step moms daughter is her age and has a bf my age...no problem...so if thats not the problem then wat is? i have NEVER caused heather n e truble, harm, or n e negativity..ive always encouraged and pleaded with heather to go to school, and to do everything shes spose to to make it easier on her. I am the reason why heather quit and hasnt takin methadone still to this day...and im a decent person...ihave a car...money...a good job..im better a person then wat those nuts are...i mean ive never in my life done crack or sold it...never got intruble with the law...not once...wen they both have a rap sheet a mile long....there fukin hipocrits...i mean why? n they wont give a reason either...kuz THERE IS NO REASON! they want to take everything away from heather untill shes completly numb...and its workin...i cant balive im going to lose the love of my life because of 2 nut cases who have never been there in heathers life her entire life untill 2 months ago...i kno heather better then wat they do...and i kno a lot of u r prolly thinkin...oh it aint love...ur to yung especially her....u have no idea...i have never n my life...looked at a person as i do heather...we just clicked...i mean were the same person....im litterly all she has....as horrible as that is...its tru...and shes litterly all i have....and wen u only have that one good thing in ur life...you love it and ull do n e thing for it...god...my heads just screwed rite now...mayb it will work like she says....and u know...i watch this dumb show kalled prison wives...and i look at them n think how n the hell are they doint that? (whyd they want to is beyond me but im not one to judge) only bein able to see ther husband once a month behind glass....but the thing is...those people get to talk more on the fone then wat i do with heather...thats pretty bad....but n e way i dont see how they do that....i wud love to kno wat keeps them from going crazy...wat keeps them together...mayb if me n heather had that we'd b ok....but.n e way...im going 2 a detox center called New Hope in a few weeks for a week...n stead of doin it my self...i thought id get sum medical help this time to make it a lil easier on me....ill keep u updated on that...and im sorry for this long post...as u can tell...i dont have people to talk 2...at all...i lost all my friends once i graduated high school...and this is really the only time i can let everything out...im sorry u all have to suffer thru it...all tho u dont have to read it haha...ima go lay down

[totoro61]

Hey Man,
I live close to you but I'm in Maryland.  I worked in DC for a while.  I understand how you feel about "getting out" of this area.  I was 23 and left for LA because I hated it here.  I'm now 48 and I'm back here in this area and let me tell  you... no matter where you go... there YOU are.  In other words... it's the same where ever you go. 
I know you don't want to hear this but you are very young and have yet to live.  20 is a hard age.  We also live in a time like no other.  Our country is in flux and whether you know it or not all that is going on actually does affect us.  We live in close proximity to DC and there is such an air of heaviness that emanates from that city you can cut it with a knife!
I hardly know what to tell you.  My sense tells me you need to get outside help.  It sounds like you are too isolated.  Because of your youth you need professional counseling.  While the wise advice of so many on this site is extremely important, no one can actually be there when you get weak and relapse.  This is where NA meetings come in.  If you haven't begun them I urge you to NOW.  Go, tell someone your story, another guy preferably, exchange numbers and believe me he will be on your a** all the time and over to your house when you are weak.  Dude you have so much ahead of you.  I know you love your GF with all your heart but you must get well before you can give her what she needs.  Time flies... it absolutely wizzes by and you will be 30, then 40 and so on.  Get this over with now so you can have a full and productive life.  I don't mean to sound harsh here.  I actually am very concerned for you.  I think you are possibly dealing with some form of depression which if you get control of, will clear up much of your self loathing and feelings of pent up desperation.  See your doctor and he should be able to diagnose and get you on some kind of anti-depressant.  This is nothing to be ashamed of.  So many people are suffering from depression today especially those in your age group.

[jagannatha]

Living, Totoro is giving you good advice here. I'm glad you are going to New Hope, but you do need to get some support right there in your life to help you through this difficult time.

Remember, Heather is only 17 years old and at that age, girls go through a lot of emotional ups and downs and are very hard to understand! It's just the way we are wired! I know it's difficult to read her, and even if you ask her how she's feeling she may not be able to tell you -- she may not know herself. But I would recommend that you discuss your doubts and questions with her as calmly as you can. And also remember, she's in a very difficult place right now. She might not be able to be as giving and loving because she just might be in survival mode. I thought she was going to move into your parents' house?

Be kind to yourself and try not to be scared of losing her. Communication is the key, as well as not taking everything too personally, if you can help it. These are difficult times, and neither of you are in the best of shape to be functioning well as a couple. But that can change.

Try to get some help and support for yourself. It's too much to deal with on your own.

jag

[Nakoa]

Hi Living,

Totoro and Jag have some pearls of wisdom that come with age, that I hope you will take into consideration.  We are all in our 40's and have been in the trenches for quite some time.  Young girls go through enormous hormonal changes and their moods are constantly changing.  Its a difficult time in a girls life just with that going on and she has the added stress of an unstable home life.  She is probably just trying to get through the days at this point.  I have said this to you before and it bears repeating, that in order to be good for her you have to focus on yourself and getting well.  Totoro is correct in that you can change your geographical location but inevitabley your problems will move right along with you.  You do sound clinically depressed.  When we suffer depression, we isolate, self medicate and look to others to fix us.  I think your plan to go to New Hope is the right step.  You are too alone with your thoughts right now and that can spiral pretty quickly into a dark place.  You are not responsible for Heather's happiness and she is not responsible for yours.  If you step back and focus on you and she does the same for herself, then when you finally do come together again as healthy individuals, it would make you an awesome team.  Remember the pills are just a symptom of an underlying problem that we as addicts have not dealt with.  Sometimes it is a daunting process to face yourself head on, but face yourself you must, in order to move forward.  Please don't think that because of how young you are, we are lecturing you or discounting your feelings in any way.  We were all your age at one time and I recall my twenties being a very painful, confusing time of figuring out who I was and what I wanted.  Life is a continous process of change and change can be a very frightening thing.  You sound like an amazing young man with a very loving heart.  Loving and being loved is the greatest gift we as human beings can experience and I have no doubt that your life will be filled with it.  I genuinely hope you are having a better day today and that you get the help that you need at New Hope.  Keep us posted and know that I am thinking of you.

Nakoa